Wednesday, February 23, 2011

To be, or not to be.

     That is indeed, a question with many implications. The past month or so I have been tested to the limit of my patience, faith, and to a degree, my sanity. I love being a mom, believe me, however I would be the first to admit I could have read all the books I want and still not be prepared for the challenges so far. She's only two months.

     While life's instruction manual (The Bible) has examples, I have found it difficult to adhere to the standards it places on my role as "mom" and at times, as "wife". I am not a patient person, don't think I ever was much to begin with, but my lack thereof has been the cause of a quick temper and an increasingly cranky baby. I am a bit selfish, hoping she would sleep a few hours more so I can get the things done I WANT to, but don't NEED or are not as important. The list could continue for most of the page, but I do not wish this to be a personal bashing session. Long story short: I see myself turning into a bit of both of my mothers and this scares the living hell out of me.

     Don't get me wrong, I love them both. I, like I'm sure a lot of people did, swore I would not do things my parents did. While the situations are completely different, some of the personality traits are showing up that I wish to be completely absolved and forgotten. I have seen the selfish, the clinically insane, the quirky, the short tempered, the overbearing, the quick to judge, the unbelieving, and the non-supportive. While there have been things that shaped me for the better, most of these have molded me to see what NOT to do, and how NOT to be. Finding myself being the exact same way at times is like driving a knife through my heart.

     Striving not to be this way is for more than just my parental skills, but for the strength of my marriage. I cannot throw stones in a glass house, however I can see what drove all three of my parents into their current situations. While I wholeheartedly believe my marriage is stronger than any of that, It is not something I wish to be complacent with and take for granted that it will always be here even if I act like a total cur.  No, we aren't having troubles but I wish not to have the same kind of trouble as I've seen over the years.

    My husband said I am too harsh and critical of myself when I should not be. I can see his sentiment, however if I am not at least a little critical of myself, how can I be the person to raise her to be better than me? The fight to be better continues almost daily, but the changes I make will be better for all three of us in the long run, and God willing, help mold my daughter into the woman I have never been.


1 comment:

  1. as a parent, uncle, brother, husband who has failed misserably in my lifetime all i can say is take those lessons you have learned and use them as the scars they are and they may seem ugly but they are what has made you into the women your husband loves ad the Mom Elli needs, remember you can do the same as the 3 or you can do the opposite of everything they did, but in reality you have to choose to be yourself and not run to far in either direction becuase as you age a bit more you will find that we all are screwed up and deep down inside we all do try to do right but sometimes we just fail and fail... it doesnt mean we love less or care more then another
    uncle Jim